Worship in the Waiting

I haven’t blogged much lately. I could blame my busy schedule, my overwhelming work responsibilities, combined with the stresses of going to school and raising two children. But, in truth, my words have dried up. For weeks after I returned from the writers’ conference in New York City I poured all my writing energies into revamping my Inspirational Romance Novel. And then once I sent it off to the publisher I was like a spent balloon, deflated and worn.

Following this dream has taken more from me than I realized. And now that the rejections have come back and my dream is still unrealized, I am re-evaluating once again.

And I am searching for God.

A few weeks ago I felt his presence evaporate from my life, and I was like a fish left without water, gasping. I cried out to him one night, because I felt it all unraveling and no matter how much I scrambled, I couldn’t put it back together.

But after all my tears I was left with silence. And I knew then that I had entered into a period of testing.

When we think of a test we often think of high school geometry class, where we were forced to figure out complex mathematical functions without any external help. Those tests are for the purpose of demonstrating our ability to the teacher.

God’s tests are quite different. He already knows how we will score, and it is for us to figure out. And there are no closed book tests with God. We aren’t tested to demonstrate our knowledge, but to increase our faith.

I am reminded of the story of God telling Abraham to walk his son Isaac up the Mountain at Moriah to be slaughtered as a sacrifice. As we read the story we might be inclined to say that Abraham obeyed God, and he was thusly rewarded. The problem I have with that idea is that it takes God out of the equation. God had already promised Abraham that his son Isaac would be a great nation. And “God is not a man that he should lie” (Numbers 23:19). Abraham would have known this. He knew God would intervene, and he knew that the proper sacrifice would be supplied and his son would not be slaughtered.

Severally commentaries and sermons on this passage of Scripture have shown this story to be a precursor to Jesus’ sacrifice, and I agree wholeheartedly with that. But as I meditate on this story tonight, I am not focusing on the outcome, or even the events that led to the outcome, but on what Abraham and Isaac must have internally experienced on that walk up the mountain.

Abraham told his servants that they were going to worship and that they would return. Perhaps this was a lie, a way to prevent causing alarm. But I think it is a condition of Abraham’s faith. He knew that what he was about to experience was a profound opportunity to experience God in a real and powerful way. To worship him as never before. To step out and do something terrifying, while trusting in the promises God has made, and to believe that he would intervene somehow. Every time we show our faith to God in this way, it does something inside of us. It changes us forever.

I have seen God move in my life in tangible ways. I have seen him hand me blessings, like he handed Abraham the sacrifice in the bush, or even the son for whom he waited. I have heard God’s voice almost audibly. When he showed me Bible passages to tell me how he was going to get me out of my custody battle, and then amazed me when he did exactly what he said he would do. Or when he brought me across the Red Sea by guiding me to my current job, which got me away from a difficult situation at my old job. I have opened the mailbox and found unexpected checks that saved me from having my electric turned off and allowed me to feed my children. 

And just as God’s voice stopped Abraham the instant before the knife came down, these things came at the last moment. But always in God’s perfect timing.

And now I am in a period of internal testing. This is the moment when I have to say “here I am” (Genesis 22:1), as Abraham said to God when he was called upon to be tested.

There are times in our lives when God shows himself to us, and then there are times when we must show ourselves to him. Abraham’s period of testing came after God gave him a long-awaited son and set him up for a period of peace living alongside the Philistines. Jesus’ testing in the wilderness came after God came down on him like a dove and his voice rang out from the heavens. Job was tested after God blessed him with family and riches.

And so, God’s testing is often a sign of spiritual maturity. He does not lead us to slaughter without first training us up to trust in him. And the times when we are least able to understand what God is doing, are the times when we are given a tremendous opportunity to give back to God in worship by showing him our faithfulness. (And there is a fair amount of humility that comes with this, as well).

I find myself asking God “why?” I am crying out to him. My dream of writing has crumbled. Many of my friendships have fizzled. Last week marked the one year anniversary of the break up with my fiance, and I have been lonely during all this time. Work is so stressful that my health is being affected, and I am being inundated with whispers from the enemy. I am constantly told that I am worthless, unloveable, socially inept, fat and ugly. I am tempted to feel jealousy, hatred and fear.

God knows whether this trial will cause me to turn from him or turn toward him. This test is not for God to keep score, but for me to find strength in my faith. And I am realizing that as I worship him during this time, I am finding peace in the midst of the storm.

I do not know what will come of this, but I know what God has promised me, I know that he does not lie. And in this I have faith that as I walk up this mountain, with the burden heavy on my shoulders, he will come through for me.

And in the meantime, I will worship in the waiting.

“With the spring will come the rain, and I’ll see what was gained in the waiting.” Lyric from In the Waiting by FFH…